


Return

by Silveryfeather



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: F/M, Family, First Meetings, Gen, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Jahar's POV, Long, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Reunions, maladaptive daydreaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-14 04:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16485707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveryfeather/pseuds/Silveryfeather
Summary: Jahar has waited so long for him to return home. She has waited so long.A story with snippets spanning over one year.





	Return

I shifted hooves nervously shifted on the ground as I looked up at the transport ship docking. My hearts could not stop their agitated pounding even for a moment. It took all I had to keep myself constrained while I waited for the ship to fully come to a rest and unload it’s precious passengers.

I was aware of other andalites gathering around me, all of them waiting for their love ones as well. Some were waiting for their mate like I was while others were mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, and even friends. But we all had something in common. We were all waiting for them to come home finally.

But my wait surely had to be the longest. Twenty or so years since I had last saw my precious husband. Twenty long, lonely, agonizing years. Years that were stolen from the both of us.

I never thought I would see him alive again. I was expecting news that he had been assassinated, freed from his enslavement. I never hoped for it but some days I wished that he had been. The thought of him suffering, killing his own kind and other innocents against his own will by a filthy parasite was heart-breaking.

The day when I heard that Earth had been liberalized from the yeerks I expected to hear of Visser Three and my husband’s death. But the news that the yeerk had been captured brought me hope. That hope grew to jubilation once I had directly received the message that my husband had been dis-enthralled.

I couldn’t believe that he was finally free, that I would see him alive again. I wept within my hearts with pure joy. I knew now I would only have to wait for him to return to Andal and to his home, to me as well. They would not let me speak to him due to ‘sensitive information he might divulge to his mate’ so I had to wait longer. But it was worth it.

The long wait was over. He was finally home.

There was a stirring at the front and many andalites began to step forward in anticipation. The door to the ship had come open and a few bedraggled soldiers came off of the ship. Though despite their weary, tired looks there was something about the way they walked that held some sort of pride. They didn’t show what wear the war had on them.

I looked through the line of blue pelts trying to pick out my husband’s own. But it wasn’t hard to spot him slowly coming down the ramp, noticeably more aged than I had last saw him. Even his own body was not the same. Something about it was hollow, almost like something had left it.

I could remember how he held himself. How he walked with a prideful stride as if nothing in this universe could stop him. But now he walked carefully, each step almost like it was calculated.

I remembered how his bright green eyes looked, alight with determination and life. Though he was now keeping his gaze towards the ground. I couldn’t catch his expression which made me worry. What was he feeling?

He didn’t even look up from his slow, steady walk as he approached the crowd. Instead they simply parted while he continued on. It took me a moment to figure out that he was heading towards the public dock where all of the civilian ships are. He must think that I was waiting for him there!  
  
I did after all asked for them to tell him that I was coming for him alone. I and his three children were the only living family left for him. But I was worried that if he saw them both now, grown since he was taken, that it might depress him even further. So I requested for them to wait until I asked them to meet their father.

I knew Tuxiden, our youngest, had never met his father. I had been pregnant before his very last departure but I never had the chance to tell him that. I knew Alloran didn’t know his son existed which would make for a harder time for him. Tuxiden was old enough to be living away from us but young enough to still be an _Aristh._ I did not know if he even wanted to see his father.

The other two, his daughter Yaunai, and his son Sorien, would probably be both happy to see their father again. I knew the years that he had been captured were hard on them but despite all that has happened, he was still their father to them.

But I wanted to come alone this time. I wanted to be the one to greet him with an open heart, welcoming him back home. Because despite all that has happened, despite him being the abomination for so many years, I still loved him. He was still my Alloran. But I worry, I worry so much that he might not be mine. I worry he might be gone from me, still back in that war and not home.

But I can only hope.  
  
I push past the crowd, my main eyes focused on my husband’s worn form. I needed to get to him, to speak with him again, to touch him once more. The only thing stopping me now was the warm bodies between us and a small distance.  
  
<Alloran!> I called, struggling out from the crowd. I ignored the glares I got from several andalites. All my focus was on Alloran and reaching him.

My husband’sface slowly raised from the ground, confusion twisting his tired features. But slowly and surely, his eyes began to brighten with life once more.  
  
<Jahar!> He hardly had to tell anyone to move considering he was rather tall and imposing despite his ragged look. All he had to do was take a step and the other andalites were quick to scatter.

He started at a faster walk but soon broke into a trot then to a canter. I came to a complete stop feeling like he might just run into me if I continued to get to him. Though what further surprised me was the amount of strength he had as he came to a rumbling stop in front of me before wrapping his arms around my body.  
  
I stiffened slightly at the contact, my limbs going limp as my thoughts come to a halt. All around me, his familiar presence and scent pressed against me lulling me to further lean into his arms.

I didn’t care who saw. I didn’t care what anyone thought. At that moment I cease to care about anything but my Alloran.

He buried his face into the space between my stalks as I was pulled into his sturdy body. His back hooves clopped while his tail curled over his back in excitement. Waves of relief, elation, sadness, and surprisingly, his regret, washed over me as he released the barrier of his mind to mine.  
  
Despite his overwhelming reaction, I only curled my arms around his ribcage before resting my ear just on the spot where his first heart was. Closing my eyes as I come to accept that he really was here and we really were embracing one another.  
  
<Jahar… I…> He pulled his face away, stalks trembling with emotions that he seemed devoid of just minutes ago. I rotated a stalk towards him, my eye bleary from my own emotions which were piling on as well. Even as I opened my own mind to his and allowed him to feel my dizzying joy at finally being with him, I still was trying to accept it was real.  
  
<Alloran, I waited so long for your return. It is almost like I hadn’t woken up from a dream. Almost like…> I fell silent my emotions once again tearing my hearts to shreds. I turned my face towards him and buried it into the familiar rough fur of his body.  
  
<It’s almost like it shouldn’t be real.> He quietly finished for me as his breath warmed my head. I couldn’t help the smile that curled my eyes.

<I missed you so much. It’s is painful how much I did.> I couldn’t even muster the strength to pull away from him long enough to look at him. All strength had left me.  
  
<My dearest Jahar, you have no idea how much I missed you as well. You are the one who kept my hope alive. I hoped for so long to see your beautiful face and hear your lovely voice again.> He gently tips my head back as he placed a hand on my cheek.

I leaned into his kiss, closing my eyes as I do. The familiar buzz of his own hand to cheek contact made me tremble under his touch.

How I missed him so much.

Slowly the world was starting to come back into focus and I started to pull away. My fingers ghosted over his own cheek in a chaste kiss. I heard him suck in a breath at the kiss before slowly he breathed out.

<No don’t.> His arms tightened around me when I start taking a step back. I could feel my ears starting to burn at his need to hold me against him. I could feel his unwillingness to let me go. Almost as if…  
  
<Alloran, let us get to our ship. Perhaps it’s best we do this in private.> I was starting to notice the shocked looks from andalites passing by us. A few were glaring nervously at Alloran but he didn’t seem to notice any of them.  
  
<I don’t want to.> He groaned as his fingers dug into my back which made me shiver in response.  
  
Cautiously, I start taking steps backwards but was happy to find that he was in fact going to let me go. I brushed down my ruffled fur on my chest before looking up at him. I still felt like this was all a dream. Like this truly wasn’t happening.

<It’s alright Alloran I am not going anywhere.> I soothed, noticing that he was starting to look upset. I was surprised by how needful he seemed to be. I was actually happy that he wanted to touch me so much.  
  
The months leading up to his last leave he seemed to want to be mostly left alone to brood over whatever memories he had. He hardly ever spoke or even touched me but the two times he had enough awareness to notice that I was ready to carry a child again. He had said that we need many more warriors, we need another son.  
  
But now, he simply wanted to touch me because he _wanted_ to touch me. He wanted to be so close to me. I was overjoyed.  
  
<Alloran pl-> He suddenly grabs my hand, palm to palm. His fingers slowly curled between my own as he turned to my side, pressing his warm flanks against mine. Once again I breathe in, surprised by how much my arm was tingling under his touch.

<Come then.> He gently tugs my hand, leading me forward. My ears continued to burn as we picked our way through the crowd. I was conscious of the stares and glares of others but I also couldn’t help the delight bubbling inside of my hearts.

<You look just as beautiful as you did when I left.> He murmured, eyestalk turned to me. I twitch an ear in embarrassment though I did smile. I was starting to feel weak.  
  
<Thank you Alloran. I… you’re… you’re still just as handsome as ever. I can’t believe you’re here! I am just… I am so happy.> I felt his fingers tighten around mine in response. His large frame shook but he kept his face carefully blank.  
  
Once we reached my ship he was quick to shove me in. He was starting to shake beside me as he fumbled with the keypad to close the door. His demeanor seemed to change as the door slowly closed with a hiss.

He turned to me before slowly walking to my side, pressing his body against mine. My hearts quickened wondering if he was going to start kissing me again. I was half preparing for his touches but instead I found myself under his fingers again as he buried his face into my throat.  
  
It took me a minute or two to realize that his shaking was him starting to cry. Even as he collapsed onto his knees with me going with him, breaths coming out in shaky gasps while his muted thoughts flooded my mind, I was stunned. I was not expecting him to cry. This was nothing like the Alloran I used to know. He was so stable, so sturdy. Never had I once seen him cry.

Even so, I laid down with him, pulling his head to lay down on my shoulder like a mother would for a child. I began to rub a knuckle between his shoulder blades while I silently rest my head on top of his, wondering what I should do next.

My poor husband move over until he could curl up against my body, obviously looking to be comforted by me. I was willing to do so not wanting to upset him further or make him feel unwanted. Even as his back presses against my stomach and his tail laid over mine, I was still trying to process what was going on.  
  
I settled on the answer that he had been changed. He truly wasn’t the same Alloran I knew before he had left. No, something had softened my husband. Though I was not unhappy or distressed about it. Sometime years back, I knew that if he ever returned home he would not be that strong male who led me confidently through our lives together.  
  
<Alloran?> I softly spoke to him once his sobs had subsided into quickened breaths against my throat. He had completely collapsed into my body, his digits going limp against my hip.

He didn’t answer me.  
  
<Alloran, I’m worried about you.> He stirred against my throat, opening his eyes. Those lovely green irises were once again dull, almost like the life in them had disappeared again.  
  
<Jahar… I am sorry.> He pushed away from me, still trembling.

I pull him back into me, concerned. He did not protest nor did he try to fight me as I rested his head on my chest instead of my shoulder.

<Jahar I was so afraid.> He rubs his cheek against my pectorals, breath warming my chest up.  
  
<Alloran it’s over, he’s never going to capture you again.> I murmured, surprised that he would confess such a thing. But I was happy he was confiding in me now. I was so happy to be his wife once more.

<No Jahar, not that. I was afraid that you wouldn’t be my wife anymore. That you would have moved on. I… I wouldn’t put blame on you if you had. After all, you didn’t know if your husband was going to return.> He lifts his head before resting it against mine. I felt my whole body shudder as his cheek came into contact with mine. My mind already buzzing with his thoughts.  
  
<Alloran, I would never leave you. I made a vow to be by your side no matter the circumstances.> I nuzzled against his nose, as I curled my tail around his tightly. I felt him shake again as he looked like he was about to weep again.

<Is that the only reason why you stayed?> I could hardly hear his voice but I certainly felt his fear. Was he afraid of me only doing this out of a sense of duty?

<No Alloran.> My hands slipped around his cheeks as I pulled us apart. His eyes met mine as he stared at me stunned but soon melted into my hands. I felt myself tingling around my palms while I rubbed his cheeks. <I stayed because I love you as well. I had chosen you long ago when we had bonded that night and I never thought about how I shouldn’t have. You are my husband who I love dearly, nothing will change that.>

My hearts had been set on him ever since we had met when we were younger. We bonded before any ceremony, before even our parents knew we intended to be together. We both had been tossed aside by our families after Alloran’s disgrace, left to care for each other alone. We had been through so much. There was certainly no way I was going to leave him now. Even more so, that I didn't love him neither.

<I shouldn’t doubt you Jahar. You really are loyal. You always had been.> He said, avoiding my gaze and instead opting to watch the sky outside. I could feel my hearts tightening, my pity for him growing. My dear husband really had been afraid of me leaving.

I could see the shame written on his face when he started getting up. I got up with him, still gently looking at him worried. What was wrong with my dear husband?  
  
<Alloran, you have changed.> I knew that I couldn’t just lie about it. I knew he had.  
  
<I know.> He sways a bit as he makes his way to the control panel, looking it over quietly. The skin just above his nose wrinkled in thought while his fingers hover over the buttons. I take my place beside him, comfortingly pressing my body against his.  
  
<Here let me.> I punched in the coordinates to home, knowing he might’ve forgotten after so many years. Though he looked even more shamed now.  
  
<Thank you…> He doesn’t move, even as the ship rocks as it takes off out of the port. The silence between us stretched for a long time. I did not know what to say in the wake of his break down. It would seem he was the same at the moment.  
  
<How are the children?> He asked softly after a few moments.  
  
<Sorien has become a rather fine cloud artist and he seems to finally be courting a female. I could only hope for his happiness if he does decide to settle down with her.> I noticed the surprised look on Alloran’s face as he turned a stalk on to me. He shifts his back hooves, the floor clanging hollowly under them.  
  
<He’s a cloud artist? Not a warrior?> He asked, stunned.  
  
<He had decided he would much rather make art than fight. Though I am glad he had become a cloud artist. His imagination is better spent on art.> I felt my back itch for a moment. I wasn’t surprised that he was disapproving of our son’s choice. He tried his best to make a warrior out of him during the times he was here.  
  
<What of Yaunai?> He was quick to change the subject to his daughter, obviously trying to avoid an argument.  
  
<She is married to a fine war-prince but it would seem that he is unable to have children.> Though I had to admit to myself that Yaunai never wanted children anyway. She certainly grew up to be a rough female. Though her mate seemed to enjoy the challenge.  
  
His expression was gloomy now and he began pressing firmly into me.

<I am sorry that he is.> The way he had said it made it seem like he was becoming more upset. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or simply about to go into another crying fit as before.

<Alloran?> I decided perhaps it was best he learned of his third child. He deserved to know of his son who was following in his hoof steps.

<Yes.> He leaned his head onto my shoulder, eyes closing.  
  
<We have a second son.> I held my breath as I watched his body stiffen. He slowly pulled away from me, turning all four of his eyes upon my own.  
  
<Explain.> That command was a single simple word. Though I could see that his eyes reflected his worry.  
  
<When you left, I was a month pregnant. I had not gotten the chance to tell you before you left…> I flinched as his hands were suddenly upon my cheeks, his forehead pressing against mine as he deeply looked into my eyes. My hearts began to thunder at the sight of his intense, yet excited expression.  
  
<What is his name? How old is he? Where is he?> Those questions came in a single thought string, making me feel slightly dizzy. But I collected himself, even pulling a smile as I placed my hand upon his cheek.  
  
<Tuxiden-Semitur-Mendurin. You know how old he is by just what I told you.> I laughed quietly as his ears turned a deep blue. He snorted quietly before slipping his hands off of my cheeks.  
  
<You do not have to mock me like that.> Despite his pouting, I could see a hint of a smile on his face. It warmed me from the tip of my eyestalks to the very end of my tail. It was wonderful seeing him smile.  
  
<Either way, he is living on his own on a plot of land we had set aside for Sorien.> I brushed my hand along his cheek before letting it slip off. He tipped a stalk curiously in my direction as he focuses his main eyes on the screen, watching as the land below flew by on screen.  
  
<Did Sorien not want land I had set aside for him?> He asked.  
  
<No it’s not that, it’s that Sorien had come upon land through…> I wasn’t sure if he would like to hear who had given him it. My own father had contacted me, being his only child, and gave me two hundred kiles of land as an inheritance. I had accepted it only out of the need to give my sons something so they may be able to live their own lives.  
  
<Through who?> He scraped his left-front hoof on the ground, looking serious now.  
  
<My father.> I felt him stiffen beside me. I half expected him to tell me that I shouldn't have accepted that land. That after they had disowned me they had no right to try to preserve their land by giving it to their daughter. But surprisingly, he simply snorted.

It was silent between us again.

<It must have been hard to… raise Tuxiden alone...> His main eyes met mine, pity softening them. I found myself suddenly pulled back into a memory at his words, a memory I would have much rather had forgotten. I found myself seeking comfort from him this time as I tried to shut away the flood of memories.  
  
I could never think of Tuxiden’s early life and birth without those horrid memories of being tossed aside as the wife of the abomination. Being sneered at and being asked why I was even bothering with having this child. Being told that I had done a disservice by continuing Alloran’s line.  
  
My children being so crudely attacked by their own classmates and becoming outcasts. Sorian coming home with more and more scratches on his body. Yaunai unwilling to even leave her room some days. I found myself skipping meals every day because I was sick with worry for my other children.

Having to birth Tuxiden alone because I couldn’t gather the courage to ask to be transported to a hospital. It was all a miracle that Tuxiden even made it through his first month. He was so weak and malnourished when he was born that he could hardly stand to feed. I had to resort to feeding him crushed, watery grasses through his hoof just to make sure he got what he needed.  
  
All of those nights spent curled with him, making sure that he was still alive every time I awoke from my sleep.

<Jahar are you…?> I opened my eyes again, as I slowly came to the realization that I had closed them. Alloran’s hand was tightly around my arm as he stared, worried.  I pinch my arms a few times, trying to wake myself up. Once he came back into focus I leaned into him before he slipped his hand off of my arm.  
  
<He’s alive and healthy. That’s all a mother could ask for right?> I smiled faintly though I could see that Alloran wasn’t impressed by my moment of bravery. He carefully wrapped an arm around me before pressing me into his body.  
<Jahar, I’m sorry.> He rests his cheek on the top of my head. My main eyes fluttered closed while my stalk eyes remained focused on his own. Yes, this was the Alloran I remembered. The stronger one of us but perhaps we both need each other now. I don’t mind that one bit.

<Alloran, it’s all in the past. We are here now.> I couldn’t help but breathe in his comforting scent as he pulled my face towards him with a finger.  
  
<That doesn’t change that you had suffered. I’m sorry.> Alloran leans in towards me and pressed his forehead against my own. I sighed quietly, grateful that he was even here. This all still felt like some kind of dream. Some dream that I hoped to never wake up from.  
  
The ship rocked as it makes its descent to the landing pad on our homeland. We pulled apart as Alloran excitedly turned his attention to the screen. His tail lifts high in elation while leaning forward. I felt myself smiling at him now feeling happy that he was happy.  
  
<Home, I really am home.> He breathed out quietly as the ship landed with a creak. The door slides open as the ramp comes down from the bottom of the ship. Alloran wasted no time in departing the ship, springing out onto the grass like a yearling. I followed slowly after, watching as he looks around.  
  
<Not much as changed has it?> He was already sticking his upper body into our scoop. I leaned back on my hind legs as I observed him moving over to my garden I had been keeping.

<You’re gardening now?> He turns a stalk around, delight glittering in it. I felt my breath seize at the sight of his happiness.

<Yes, do you like it?> I asked, stepping to his side as I gazed down at the small patch of plants. Pink peluras, blue vah’lars, orange corddins and quite a variety of herbs. My garden was my pride and joy these days. It what had been keeping me busy up until now.

<I love it.> He breathed out before trotting off again, turning his attention to something else. But suddenly he slowed down before stopping, turning all four of his eyes to look in front of himself. The rolling purple and pink fields of our homeland laid before him now.  
  
He slowly steps forward before glancing over at me. <I believe I will be going for a run.>  
  
<Alright, do you wish for me to come?> I asked, folding my hands in front of myself. Alloran shook his stalks in response and I simply smiled in reply. I was disappointed but if he wished to roam his lands alone, then he may.

He cantered off with the excitement of a child, eyestalks once again roaming the fields. I watched him for a few moments longer before I slipped inside the scoop. I had some business

I needed to attend to anyway.

 

* * *

  
  
That night as we curled together in our bed for the first time in so many years, I found myself feeling far more protected than I had in years. With his stronger body in between me and the scoop door as his tail laid over my back, I knew any intruder would be in serious trouble.

<You changed the bed.> Alloran observed as he settled in. He patted the cloth covering the synthetic cotton bed.

<Yes I had it changed after Tuxiden tore it apart when his tail was growing in.> I nuzzled into his chest, as I shut eyes.

<Ah, he must have been quite the handful.> Alloran said, letting out an amused snort.

<Yes he was. If it wasn’t for Yaunai I surely would have lost what little reason I had. I remember this one time he had managed to get his hands on my computer and when I got back to the scoop from feeding I found him picking apart the insides of the computer. Oh my, I had never seen such a guilty look before until that day.> I could hear Alloran’s rumbling laughter as he pressed into me. I laughed quietly with him feeling myself relax into him.

<Ah, that reminds me of a time during my academy years. There was this male, Sofor-something-something. I couldn’t quite remember his name but that doesn’t matter. He decided that the best way to learn how to shoot a shredder was to take it apart and then put it back together again. This was _before_ we had taken technological weaponry. He ended up having to tell the instructor that not only had he taken apart his weapon but lost some parts as well. The look on his face as he was being scolded was priceless. > Alloran let out a snort before his booming laughter echoed in my head. I laughed softly with him, happy to be hearing him tell a story.  
  
<Do you remember how we met?> I asked, as I nuzzled into his shoulder now. I felt like going through the better memories with him now. The happier ones.  
  
<Not quite, perhaps you should refresh my memory.> He gave me that playful smile of his. I felt my hearts skip a beat at the sight of it.  
  
<Alloran, I believe your memory is worsening.> I sighed at him, reaching up a hand to curl my fingers around his gently. <Do you remember when we met at the Newyar festival? You know, that one festival where we celebrate the season turn from first leaf to second harvest?>  
  
Alloran tips a stalk as if he was thinking before his eyes lit up. He began smiling more. <Yes I do, I saw you at the extract booth trying to haggle with the vendor. I came to you and gave you some tokens.>  
  
<Yes! I was so surprised that you, some strange male, would give up your hard earned tokens to me! For intoxicant extracts!> I felt a laugh bubbling up inside of me. Alloran rested his head on top of mine and I turned a stalk around to look at his smiling expression.  
  
<Well to be honest, I found you rather fetching so I thought I might earn your favor by doing so. You told me not to bother and that you’ll just have to earn more. You started to walk away but I bought it anyway for you. I had never seen someone so upset over a gift before!> Alloran shook a stalk, looking outside. His eyes seemed to glaze over as he sighed.

<Well I was mostly upset because I had told you not to. You always did what you wanted Alloran anyway.> I closed my eyes, remembering his expression as he offered me the drink. The way his green eyes looked into mine, almost begging me to take it even while he was smiling. <But I did take it.>  
  
<Yes you did, but you then told me that we should split it.> He added, rubbing my stalk with a finger.

<We spent quite a time talking and drinking. I ended up being taken back home by you because you were worried. Or at least I remember you reasoning that it would be safer than flying home on my own. I ended up in your arms when the ship took off because I simply couldn’t stand straight any longer!> I opened my eyes again, gazing into his own green orbs. Once again I found myself back on that ship, feeling my hearts beating out of my chests. Even his warm scent was just the same as it had been then.  
  
<Then you… asked me to kiss you. I wasn’t expecting you to be so bold Jahar but I believe that’s the moment I fell in love with you.> He pulled away sighing. My hands itched to grab his face just I had done back then and pull him close.  
  
I shifted around before reaching up to his face. His eyes steadied onto mine as he stayed still. I slipped my hands around his cheeks before pulling him close, resting my forehead against his own. Our stalks intertwined just as it had back then. My cheeks tingled as his warm breath billowed against them. <Then you asked me if I would rather return home with you instead. I had agreed as the silly little female I was. We ended up in your bed, curled up with one another.>  
  
Alloran’s hands slipped up to my own cheeks and he presses his nose against mine. <It was a wonderful mistake.>  
  
<I agree… I… am so glad we made it.> We pulled apart, eyes lovingly locked onto one another. I could feel his tail tightening around mine as he slowly gets to his hooves. I felt him lay his lower body on top of mine before his arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me close to his.  
  
<Do you wish to make it again?> He asked, resting his chin on my shoulder, eyes curling into a loving smile.  
  
<It’s not one now, but of course my love.> I breathed out as a shiver of sexual tension ran through my body.  
  
It had been too long since we had done this. Too long since we had truly bonded as a couple again. Though that night, he showed me all of his love, making up for those years lost.  


* * *

  


<I’m nervous Jahar. What if he rejects me?> Alloran nervously stood at my side, eye stalks looking out towards Tuxiden’s scoop. I press my side comfortingly against his as we walked down the ramp of our ship.  
  
<He’ll give you a chance my love. Just keep calm.> I soothed softly as I noticed his nervous tail twitches. I had gotten permission from my son to bring Alloran to visit him. Of course I had given my mate three weeks to get settled in before I told him about seeing Tuxiden.

My other children had already came and gone. But Tuxiden had been the only one who hadn’t come to see his father on his own terms. I knew from past experiences, he certainly didn’t like his father based on what he had heard of him from other andalites. I had tried many times to tell him that publicly he was different. But he didn’t believe me.  
  
I just hoped that he wouldn’t hurt Alloran now. Especially while he was still in such a fragile state. I was afraid of what might happen.  
  
<Alloran, stop that!> He was practically knocking me over pressing into me like that. I could feel his hooves starting to tangle with mine, making me unbalance. Alloran shot an apologetic look before moving away and giving me some room.  
  
Once we had gotten to his scoop I told Alloran to stand by before poking my upper body into it. I turned my stalks this way and that before I concluded he wasn’t here at the moment. I sighed before I backed out shaking my stalks at Alloran. His eyes lit up with worry.  
  
<Don’t fret Alloran, I’ll go find him.> I had warned him we were coming so where was he? Leaving Alloran where he was, I cantered off to where I knew he often trained himself. Perhaps he had lost time training.  
  
I came upon his field, trotting down into the small valley. It didn’t take me long to find him in a standoff with a male that I knew very well.

He circled around his partner, tail raised and eyes focused on both tail and face. His oddly familiar dark blue coat bristled in some places while he flexed the muscles on his tail. From the tip of his stocks to end of his tail, he was the spitting image of his father unlike his siblings, who took after me mostly. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought he was a young Alloran.  
  
<Tuxiden!> I called to him and his attention snapped to me. But that was a mistake on his part. That lapse of attention was enough for his sparring partner to lash out at him and knock him onto his side with a well placed hit on his side.  
  
<MOTHER!> He roared, getting to his hooves as his friend looked at him apologetically. I sucked in a breath feeling guilty that I had distracted him. But I forced myself to relax as he starts trotting towards me with his friend by his side.  
  
<Jahar.> His friend dips his stalks at me as the both of them stopped in front of me.  
  
<Barafin, it is good to see you.> I dipped my stalks back at him as I smiled slightly at the odd male.  
  
Barafin-Leflueer-Merinal had northern andalian blood in him. His fur was a patchy pink and blue that melded into purples. When I first saw him I thought he had failed to dye his fur and that was the result of his failure. But once explained to me, I understood.  
  
<Mother, what are you doing here?> Tuxiden asked, as he nervously shifted his hooves while he threw a stalk over his shoulder to look at something. I turned a stalk in the direction to look at what he was looking at.  
  
A smaller fully pink andalite female was walking up to us. I knew from experience that was Barafin’s younger sister, Falhala-Estrin-Corrigin. Though I was not expecting her to be here of all places especially during a sparring session!  
  
<Might I ask what you are doing with a female here?> I asked, looking at my son with my main eyes. My son had sadly not only inherited his father’s looks but also his promiscuity. When he was coming into adulthood, I couldn’t count how many times I caught him with a female in some thicket or down by the river.  
  
<She wanted to come with me, Ma’am.> Barafin interjected looking slightly ashamed.  
  
<And you let her? Does her mother know that you had taken her to see you fight with my son?> I didn’t mean to sound like I was scolding them but I was upset that Tuxiden had forgotten we were coming!  
  
<No bu-> Barafin had begun before I interrupted him with the snap of my tail. Falhala flinched as she came to a stop beside her brother, eyes nervously looking to the ground instead of mine. I could tell she was ashamed as well.  
  
<Your… your son fights well.> Falhala’s soft voice said, as she takes a peek at Tuxiden. I seen my son stiffen in response and the tips of his ears turning bright blue. He didn’t even dare to look her way after she said that.  
  
He really thought I was a fool didn’t he?  
  
<Don’t do anything you might regret.> I privately told my son, not wanting either of the two siblings to hear. <Her father is a captain you know!>  
  
<Who says I am courting her?!> My son’s gaze snapped to me surprised. I felt the fur on my haunches ruffle before I narrowed my eyes. I didn’t quite believe him.  
  
<Tuxiden, did you forget your father and I were coming?> I spoke once again in public thought speak. My son’s ears flicked before he looked at his friend and the young female.  
  
<No not quite, but I wasn’t expecting you both to come until later.> He said as he looked me in the eyes again. I could tell he was becoming irritated now.  
  
<Well here we are. Please return to the scoop when you may. Have a good day Barafin and Falhala.> I then turned away and cantered back up the hill. I noticed as I ran that Tuxiden was glaring at me slightly. I probably had embarrassed him but that was his own fault.

By the time I had reached Alloran, he was staring off into the distance with that glazed over look of his again. Curious, I called out to him. But he doesn’t respond which worried me for a moment. This was the second or third time he had done this. What was going on in that head of his?  
  
<Alloran?> I softly said once I reached him. When he didn’t respond again I pressed my side against him.  
  
It all happened in a flash.  
  
The first thing to react was his tail. Before I could’ve blinked, it was pressed against the back of my neck. My hearts nearly stopped as I felt the coolness of his blade and noticed some fur had been cut. Terrified, I didn’t move a single muscle.

He moved his gaze towards me as his muscles flexed. He looked terribly shocked as he suddenly yanked his tail away, stepping back from me.  
  
<Jahar!> He cried as he reached out to touch me. I kept still as he brushed his finger against the patch of missing fur looking like he was becoming ill. I was still in shock from having myself threatened like. That I was still even shaking as I wondered what would’ve happened if he hadn’t stopped his tail like he had.  
  
What was wrong with my Alloran?  
  
<Oh Jahar! I didn’t hurt you right?! Oh my poor Jahar!> He was starting to panic himself, grabbing at my shoulders. I snapped out of my daze at the contact, trying to steady my breathing as I closed my eyes tightly.  
  
<I called you twice Alloran. Why did you do that?> I queried nervously as I pulled away from his hands.  
  
<You did? I didn’t hear you!> He withdrew from me as well, tail curling around his legs. I could see the terror in his gaze. My hearts broke for him.  
  
<Alloran? Did I scare you?> I walked to him before I placed my hands upon his chest. I felt his hearts rapidly pounding in his chest under my hands. He was starting to tremble again as he wraps his arms around me.  
  
<Jahar!> He buried his face into my shoulder, ears angled back.  
  
<Alloran you didn’t hurt me, just startled me.> I had a feeling that he didn’t do it on purpose. Something was wrong with my dear husband. But what?

<But I could’ve! It’s unacceptable!> He was shaking even more now, fingers tightening around my back.  
  
<Mother?> I nearly jumped as I heard my son’s voice. <Mother are you alright?>  
  
I pulled out of Alloran’s arms just in time to see Tuxiden climbing up the hill towards us. His expression was one of worry as he made his way to us. I hoped he hadn’t seen what his father had done! I hoped!

<It’s alright Tuxiden… He was just… worried about me. I had slipped a bit coming up hill.> I hated lying to my son but I didn’t want him to know what really had happened. Alloran stood still with a shocked look on his face. His tail flexed a few times behind himself as he looked over the other male.  
  
<You are… Tuxiden?> He started to walk forward but stopped himself, looking slightly apprehensive. He looked like he wanted to approach him but yet seemed afraid to.  
  
<Yes I am.> Tuxiden stiffened visibly, looking between me and Alloran. I could tell he was looking to me to encourage him to move forward.  
  
<You look… very much like me. Scarily so.> Alloran relaxed his tail, looking at me for guidance as well. The tension in this meeting was already high and I didn’t know how to diffuse it.  
  
<That is what… well I can see now that I am.> Tuxiden begins walking again. Alloran stiffened as he walked past him and into his scoop. The two seemed to lock eyes for a moment before they both looked away.  
  
I decided to take my leave right then and there. I knew my presence was probably going to make things harder.  
  
<Alloran, meet me down by the ship once you are ready to leave.> I gently brushed my fingers against his arm, smiling.  
  
Alloran turned a stalk to me, panicked. <You are not staying?!>

<You can do this Alloran. You can bond with your son.> I gently brushed my fingers across his cheeks in a chaste kiss before walking away. I didn’t miss the lost look Alloran gave me as I left.  


Alloran returned an hour later, looking slightly unfocused. He didn’t even greet me as he entered the ship. He just walked to the controls then entered in our home coordinates. The ship rumbled to life before taking off, rattling as it did.  
  
<Alloran?> I called softly, walking to his side. I pressed my body against his as I tried to get his attention. Surprisingly, he responded by pressing his own body against mine as well.  
  
<He’s… he regrets me quite a bit Jahar.> Alloran’s voice was painful as he spoke, almost as if every word caused him injury. <He told me that he… well… he didn’t want to be around me.>  
  
I felt my chest tighten in response. How could Tuxiden say that to him?!  
  
<Tuxiden has been through a lot Alloran. He will not love you on the first meeting. You must build a relationship.> I quietly said as I tried to soothe him. But Alloran just sadly shook his stalks, staring out the window as he does.  
  
Once again his eyes seemed to glaze over. I knew he was leaving to where ever he had left to before. But this time, I just stayed pressed to him as I hoped he would return to me soon. 

* * *

 

<Father! How about this?> Yaunai carefully held up a _estrinar_ flower with a smile. Alloran looked up from the tree sapling he had been examining to look at the plant his daughter was looking at.

<Don’t those spread quickly if you do not trim the leaves?> Alloran asked, uncertain. Yaunai frowned at him before she looked to me with a look that said ‘is he serious?’ before looking back at her father.  
  
<Gardening is going to be hard work father. There are not easy plants.> She sets down the flower frowning at her father.  
  
<Yes there are, I used to have one.> Alloran puffed, childishly swishing his tail along the ground.  
  
Alloran had decided to start his own garden next to mine. He told me that perhaps taking care of plants might be just the thing he needed to relax. But already I could tell that he wasn’t willing to put the work into what was needed to keep a garden healthy.  
  
<Yes but…> Yaunai carefully puts the plant down, frowning slightly at her father. Alloran ducks his stalks before quickly looking down at the sapling again.  
  
<It’s alright Yaunai, if he doesn’t take care of it then I will.> I brushed past my daughter, holding a few _illspar_ saplings in my arms.

My daughter, Alloran, and I were visiting one of the largest nurseries on the planet. It was my daughter who had suggested that perhaps Alloran should take up gardening as well. Though it did take some convincing to get him to actually go out and get the plants.  
  
Alloran snorts at me as I passed by but I simply smiled back. I placed the purple saplings into the cart before glancing back over at Alloran. <Perhaps you should try growing something easy then Alloran.>  
  
<Must you mock me Jahar?> Alloran sighed heavily, already inspecting yet another plant.  
  
<You are the one who keeps turning down ideas.> I smirked as he glared over at me.  
  
It good another good fifteen minutes before he finally decided on a hybrid bush that had both pink and blue flowers with a lovely yellow-purple bark. He smirked at me but I simply twitched my tail. That was hardly even a garden.  
  
<Yaunai.> My daughter turned her green eyes to me, tail lifting slightly.  I motioned for her to come to my side before. She pricks her ears forward before trotting to my side. I lean towards her before carefully curling my tail over her back.  
  
<Do you mind taking your father to the herbal section. More specifically find a herb that causes relaxation when consumed.> I smiled over at her, aware that Alloran was watching us with a suspicious look.  
  
<Alright Mother.> Though she did look over at Alloran. I knew she probably understood why I had decided to ask her to do that.  
  
Alloran as of late has been so restless. He refuses to sleep some nights telling me that during his time as a slave, he was given the chance to sleep every three days. That was when Visser three was feeding.  
  
But that wouldn’t do for me. Now that he was free, he should be able to sleep when he needs to not when some slug was gone out of his head. Perhaps herbal remedies might help him.

I watched Yaunai walk up to her father and began talking with him. Alloran glances at me with a stalk before looking back at his daughter. He then dips his stalks before carefully gathering up his daughter beside himself. Though as they walked away, he kept a stalk focused on me.  
  
I returned back to searching through the saplings for something else. I needed to get a gift for Sorien ever since he told me he had been hired to work in a high class artist’s guild. But I wanted to get him a tree rather than a flower. A tree would last far longer than any flower.  
  
My fingers wandered over a soft yellow leafed sapling, an obvious hybrid guide tree. Perhaps my son would want one of these anyway. The one on my father’s land was withering already and I knew that it wouldn’t survive many more seasons.  
  
Perhaps this one then.  
  
Just as I pluck the plant off of the table, I feel someone brushing against my side. I looked up to see Alloran beside me, placing a red bush into the basket. He glanced over at me then huffed quietly motioning behind himself.  
  
I turned a stalk around before feeling my hearts leap for a moment. What was he doing here?! And with her as well!

Tuxiden was quietly walking with Falhala a good few feet apart. But it was obvious they were there just for each other. The small pink female was looking up at him, making hand motions and he occasionally flicked his tail.  
  
Not courting her he said? My son certainly was a terrible liar.  
  
Yaunai seemed to have noticed what we were looking at while she came up holding her own plant. She glances the female up and down before looking back at me. <She is rather too small don’t you think? She probably can not even ho->  
  
Alloran lightly cuffed her ear before frowning at her. <Yaunai, that is very much not a subject a female should be talking about.>  
  
<Right then, as I was saying.> Yaunai ignored her father’s warning, rubbing her ear with a sigh. Alloran’s eyes lit up in surprised before he sent a panicked gaze towards me.  
  
<Yaunai, I would enjoy it if you refrain from talking about your brother’s sexual relations.> Yaunai’s ear tips turned bright blue before she stomped a back hoof. She snatches her gaze away from us and instead focuses on the basket.  
  
<Very well mother.> She mutters.

Pleased with that being fixed, I looked back at my son and the female. The female had a flower pot in her hands, looking up at Tuxiden. Tuxiden carefully takes it from her and I got a good look at what it was.  
  
A promise flower!

They seriously were not planning on getting married soon right?

Tuxiden sets down the plant and instead brushes the female’s ears. I noticed Alloran stiffening beside me before he carefully said, <Perhaps it is time to go now.>  
  
I blushed realizing that I had been watching them too long. Even Yaunai was starting to look uncomfortable as well. My face burned before I nodded to them.

<My husband will be expecting me to return anyway.> Yaunai was already pushing the cart along so I followed her.  
  
<Yaunai, I haven’t asked this before but perhaps maybe Mendril would like to spar with me sometime.> Alloran looked down at his daughter, tail curling nervously. Yaunai looked back up at him surprised before smiling.  
  
<I’m sure he would love to spar with you. Ever since his _shorm_ left on duty he’s been feeling antsy. > Yaunai laughed quietly.  
  
<Good! Perhaps in a few or so days?> Alloran asked hopefully.  
  
<You’ll have to ask him that Father. Who knows what kind of schedule he keeps.> Yaunai answered with a shake of her stalks.  
  
<Very well, perhaps soon then.> Alloran sighed quietly.  
  
<Soon.> Yaunai agreed.  
  
Carefully, we slipped away unseen.

 

* * *

 

Sorien came for visit for the first time in months after his father first came. The first thing he did after he stepped off the ship was thank me for the sapling I had given him earlier. Alloran was gone currently running his land. So I led him into the scoop smiling.  
  
<Sorien, why the sudden visit?> I said, closing the flap behind him. The heat outside was horrible so we kept the scoop closed so the cooling system can do its job.  
  
Sorien looked steadily down at me, blue eyes blank as they always are. <I had been meaning to contact you both but my new job keeps me busy.>  
  
<Ah! I’m glad you are here anyway. How is the guild?> I politely offer him a soft flower from the table but he politely rejects it. I set down the bowl of flowers tipping a stalk at him.  
  
<It is well enough but they work us as if we don’t need sleep. I hadn’t had many days off.> He sighed heavily, leaning onto his back hooves. He glanced me over before his gaze settles on a small cut on my right front shoulder. <But I didn’t come here for idle chatter mother. This visit is about father.>  
  
Of course.  
  
<He did that didn’t he?> He stepped towards me before he brushed the back of his hand on the already healing wound. I flinched slightly as it stung as he did.  
  
Alloran had another nightmare last night and was lashing out with all limbs. I attempted to wake him up but ended up being cut by his tail. By the time he did wake up he was covered in sweat and trembling.  
  
I spent the rest of the night trying to calm him down. He only noticed the wound the morning after which I knew was the reason why he no longer slept in the scoop. He was afraid of hurting me again.  
  
This wasn’t the first time either.  
  
He must’ve read my worried expression because he sighed heavily. <Yaunai told me last week you had been limping. A few days before that she also saw that you had a swollen cheek. Tuxiden came to me yesterday yelling about a cut on your shoulder. He kept telling me that he was going kill father if he was abusing you.>  
  
I felt unwell at knowing my children had been noticing something has been happening between us. But abuse was so very far from the actual truth. Alloran never intentionally hurt me… I have been doltish.  
  
<Sorien, he’s not hurting me.> I sighed, sitting heavily down onto my haunches. I rubbed my arm for a moment closing my eyes tightly. How could I tell my children that their father had become mentally unwell. They’ll try to get him into a mental institution! He doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment!  
  
<Then how did you get that?> He motions towards the cut, eyes narrowing. I had to look away in shame.  
  
<Your father is unwell.> I slowly started. I felt my chests tightening in pain, the urge to cry welling up inside of me. How could I tell our eldest child that their father was mentally unstable? How?  
  
<How so?> Was Sorien’s next question.  
  
<Something happened to him Sorien. Something changed… he’s not himself. His… he…> I curled my tail around myself, feeling like I could throw up now. <He’s just not psychologically sound.>

<So you are getting hurt because of it? He’s hurting you on purpose?> I could see Sorien already standing up, tail twitching. I could see his barely concealed anger.  
  
<No! He just has these fits… moments of relapse where he’s just loses all sense of the world and lashes out. He has these horrid nightmares that make him thrash in his sleep… I don’t know what to do Sorien, but I don’t want to send him away.> I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at my son in the eye.  
  
<You need to get him help Mother.> Sorien’s voice had noticeably softened. I felt him sit beside me, rubbing my ear for a moment with a finger. <He might do more than just leave bruises or cuts. He might actually…>  
  
Kill me…  
  
The memory of months back where I had woken him from a daydream and found myself with his blade at the back of my neck. If he didn’t stop there I wouldn’t be here today. But I just didn’t want to lose him again! Not again!

<I don’t want to send him away Sorien… I just can’t do that to him. For him to come home only to be taken to some institution where he’ll be labeled a vecol and locked away.> I hunched over, body trembling. My son rests his hand on my shoulder comfortingly.  
  
<I don’t want that either,> He soothed quietly. <But he _needs_ help. >  
  
<I’ll help him then.> I start getting to my hooves again, allowing my hands to slip from my face. I was met with the worried expression of my son.  
  
<How when you don’t even know what is wrong with him?> Sorien gets to his hooves then huffed loudly. <Mother you have no training.>  
  
<They’ll take him him away. I can’t.> My shoulders shook as I silently cried, burying my face into my hands. I can’t do that to him! I can’t lose him again! I can’t betray him like that!  
  
<Mother please…> Sorien softly begged. <Get him help.>  
  
<Jahar? Sorien?> I moved my hands from my face to see Alloran standing in front of the scoop.  
  
His eyes flinted from Sorien to me as if he was trying to assess what was going on. His gaze grew hard before he focused on Sorien. Sorien stiffened beside me as they met eyes.  
  
<Sorien, why are you here?> He walks into the scoop, drawing himself up to full side. He pushes in between me and Sorien before placing a hand on my shoulder.  
  
<Here to get you help.> Sorien was a little bit smaller than Alloran and he was built like I was, lithe. If Alloran decided to fight him then Sorien would certainly lose within moments.  
  
<Help? Why do you think _I_ need help? > He snapped, fur on his haunches raising. He curled his arms around me, looking down at me with a slightly worried look.  
  
<You’ve been hurting mother haven’t you?> Sorien was attempting to keep his voice even though I could tell some emotion was cracking through. Alloran pulled away from me, jerking as if he had been hit with Sorien’s blade. He stomps his hooves, nervously looking down.  
  
<H-How did you->  
  
<You need help.> Sorien repeated firmly, ears angling back. I grabbed onto Alloran’s arm as he starts taking steps forward.  
  
<Yes… I know…> I was surprised by the sudden change in Alloran’s demeanor. His upper body went slack as he sat down heavily. He looked over at me sadly before looking back at his son. <I know but I can’t leave her Sorien. She _needs_ me. >  
  
<You keep hurting her! Are you both mad? Father needs help! He needs to be helped but you both-> His breath came out shuddering as he lashes his tail along the ground. Alloran lowered his head further in shame.  
  
<Very well then. At least think it over before you decide.> He turns away before trotting out of our scoop. I watched silently as he walked down to the landing area before disappearing into his ship.  
  
Alloran pulled me close to him, brushing his fingers lightly over one of my stalks. He leans forward then pressed his nose into the top of my head. I leaned into him as I closed my eyes quietly accepting his presence.  
  
<I’ll help you heal Alloran. I won’t let them take you.> I murmured, nuzzling into his chest. Alloran trembled before drawing his arms tightly around my shoulders. I could feel his primary heart pounding in chest.  
  
<Jahar, I love you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Maybe I should…> I opened my eyes at this. I could feel my hearts painfully pounding against my chests, emotions welling up inside of them.  
  
<Alloran what if you never come back?> I asked quietly, gently brushing my fingers over his arm. He nuzzled my head again.  
  
<As long as I don’t hurt you, as long as I can see you sometimes. Then it might be for the best.> Alloran’s deep voice echoed quietly in my head. I couldn’t agree with him. I didn’t want him to do this. I didn’t want him to leave so soon after I had gotten him back. I might be able to visit but he won’t ever be truly home.  
  
I stayed silent unable to find an answer. I knew that if he truly believed that he needed to then I can not stop him. I want to but there was no changing his mind after he makes a choice.  
  
<I love you Jahar…> He laid me down with him, curling his body around mine. I just laid against him, silently staring out the scoop wondering why I wasn’t fighting harder for him. 

* * *

 

 

It had been a month and a half since he had taken himself to the institution. That first day it was decided that he would stay there for two months. At first I heard nothing of his status or what even was happening to him. That first week was one of the worse weeks I could remember. It wasn’t until the seventh day did they tell me what he had been diagnosed with.

 _Cordell_ disorder, a disorder known for episodic fits of terror, awful nightmares and maladaptive daydreaming. This disorder was most commonly found in warriors who had experienced great amounts of trauma during the time they have served. Alloran certainly would have fit that criteria.  
  
They allowed me to see him every few days or so. But when I did see him, he just wasn’t himself anymore.  
  
He often stood staring blankly out the window acting as if nothing was happening around him. Other days he was only able to hold a conversation for a few minutes at a time before he eventually just go silent and I was forced to start another one with him.  
  
They said they needed to adjust his medicine but what kind of medicine makes someone like _that._  
  
The fifth week he was there, I had come to visit him just as I always had.  
  
When I entered his scoop, I noticed that the flowers I had set on his table had been moved to another table. Not thinking much of it, I take the new flowers out of my basket before placing them in with the old ones. Once the roots had settled at the bottom of the pot, I then turned my gaze to the window.  
  
I was startled to find that he was looking at me now, something he hadn’t done in a long time. Though he seemed dazed as he stared at me, almost as if he had just woken up.

<Jahar?> He muttered as he blinked, rubbing his eyes. <Jahar is that you?>  
  
My hearts clenched firmly in my chest as I felt happiness welling up inside of me. He was recognizing me now! Perhaps they really did lower his dose!  
  
<Yes it’s me Alloran. How are you feeling?> I asked, walking to his side. He turned his stalk towards the fluttering window in front of us before looking back at me.  
  
<Tired.> He sighed, rubbing his face with the back of his arm again. I press against his side while my eyes curled into a bright smile. He really was waking up! Finally!  
  
<Perhaps you should sleep then.> I soothed him gently, brushing my tail over his own. He blinked down at me then shook his stalks, sighing heavily.  
  
<I’ve slept all day. Let’s just go for a run instead. I’m sure _they_ won’t protest against that at least. > Alloran pulled away from me, already heading to the door. I quickly caught up with him as he exited his own scoop and into the line of scoops that were in this sector of the institution.  
  
I noticed several other patients were wandering around. One greeted me with a bright smile but seemed slightly horrified as he looked at Alloran’s face. He was quick to move on his way when Alloran glared at him.  
  
<Come on.> I was starting to sense that Alloran was irritated now for some reason. Cautiously I followed beside him.  
  
The cool last-harvest breeze blows over us as we walked into the main exercise field. I glanced around at the mostly red grass field breathing in. I couldn’t see but a few andalites here or there which meant we weren’t probably going to be bothering anyone.  
  
<Jahar?> I looked up at my husband noticing he was frowning at me. I flinched slightly as I wondered what was wrong.  
  
<Yes my love?> I answered with a gentle smile.  
  
<You are nervous of me aren’t you?> My hearts leapt at his question, wondering what could have possibly prompted it.  
  
<Of course not Alloran! Why would you think of it?> I brushed my tail against his trying to see if that might make him a little less grumpy.  
  
<Nevermind.> He grumbled before breaking off into a trot. I looked after him then broke into a trot as well. Perhaps I was wrong about him getting better.  
  
During the seventh week he was acting more like himself. When I visited he was more than happy to indulge in reading a few stories with me. I found myself more or less relaxed in his presence as he kept me close to his side. Though once or twice he did trail off then go silent. But when I called his name he would jump and look at me with a smile then apologize.  
  
The eighth week was the week I finally saw some progress. He was released back to me but with the promise of visiting once every week for therapy. As I walked out with my mate he told me that maybe we should skip therapy but I told him that if he does then he’ll be sleeping outside.  
  
He smiled and laughed. 

* * *

 

 

The end of the year was drawing near and Alloran was starting to act more and more like his old self. Of course he did once in awhile seek me for comfort but never as much as he did before. I was glad to have my Alloran back.  
  
It was a cold morning that day I returned from a morning feed. As I entered the scoop and closed the flap I saw Alloran was on the phone with someone. A quick look was more than enough to know who it was.  
  
<Tuxiden?> I smiled as I trotted to the screen. Alloran jerked away from it before looking down at me with a small huff.  
  
<He has news.> He grunted, looking slightly angry for some reason. This made me worried for what kind of news he might have.

<What is wrong Tuxiden?> I asked, looking up at him with a worried expression. He blinked down at me before stomping a back off, looking embarrassed.  
  
<Falhala is pregnant.> He huffed quietly through his nose looking shameful. My thoughts stilled for a moment as I searched for an answers as to how this happened. Of course I wasn’t a fool to think that they would have waited until marriage. Alloran and I certainly didn’t but I was hoping he would wait until she was at least done with her degree.

I breathed in for a moment then shook my stalks at my son. He was an adult now and so was she, if this was their choice then they can make it. All I can do is offer support for the both of them.  
  
<Tuxiden, it’s going to be alright.> I noticed Alloran giving me a look of betrayal as I said this. <I will help you both if you need it but I do hope you’re prepared for this responsibility. A child isn’t easy to care for.>  
  
Alloran took this as a chance to lecture his son. <I also hope you have land prepared for them and plan on moving her to it as soon as possible. I want you to take responsibility for your mate and child.>  
  
He crossed his arms over his chest and my hearts skipped a beat. This was the first time in a long time I have ever seen him actually act like a father to his child. It was beautiful.  
  
<Don’t worry father… I do plan on doing so.> My son looked stunned as he gazes at his father, almost as if he hadn’t expect him to say that to him.  
  
<Good, marry her as soon as possible as well Tuxiden. You don’t want her to be dishonored right?> Tuxiden nods his stalks slowly before looking behind himself with one of them. He seemed to be talking to someone but then returned his attention to us.  
  
<I must go, Falhala wants me to come with her to tell her own parents.> I felt slightly warmed that he had decided to tell us first. Perhaps because he knew that we wouldn’t ridicule him. I loved my son and I knew Alloran wanted to support him as well.  
  
<Very well my little one. If either of you need help, please come and get me.> I said, smiling warmly at him. A smile passes across Tuxiden’s face before the screen shut off.  
  
I leaned back on my haunches as I let out a shaky sigh. This news was certainly monumental. Our family was growing bigger, our blood-line will be continuing on. But even more so, Tuxiden was starting his own family. I was happy for him. <I can’t believe it. A grandchild.>  
  
Alloran looked down at me then back at the screen, expression serious. <He should have waited longer though. I am worried neither of them are prepared.>  
  
<I would say the same thing about us.> I laughed quietly, brushing my side against his. A faint smile passes over his face before he lets out a sigh.  
  
<At least he’ll be there for her when she does give birth…> I sensed regret in his voice as he spoke. But I wasn’t angry with him at all, now or then. He had to fight, he couldn’t stay to either marry me or help me with my first child.

I slipped my hand into Alloran’s, my hearts trembling as I realized that Tuxiden will certainly raise his child with Falhala. He was a good male, he wouldn’t leave her for any reason.

  
But me and Alloran… we had never gotten the chance to do it together. Alloran was always off to war while I stayed home alone to raise our children. Many times I had wished Alloran had been there to see his children grow to get to know them.

But none of them knew Alloran well and in the end, my husband paid a heavy price. He would never have the close relationship I had with our children. I could sometimes tell that he regrets this whenever they come to visit us. But he never says it outloud. We both know it is too painful to acknowledge.  
  
Alloran must have sensed my fallen mood and carefully pulled me into his warm chest. His breaths billowed against my ear while he nuzzled one of my stalks. I allowed my weight to fall into him mostly, brushing my cheek against his shoulder.  
  
<I wish we could have another… another we can raise together…> I dared not to look lest I see what he was feeling. Though his shaking was already warning me exactly what he was feeling. I felt him bury his face in between my stalks as he tried to not cry.  
  
<I wish I had been here for you Jahar. I really do. I had not been a good mate or father.> He curls his tail around mine as he breathes in then breathes out heavily, making me shiver. I could feel myself starting to cry as well, painful waves of emotion battering the walls of my mind.

<You couldn’t help it. You had to be gone…> I suddenly sat down on my haunches, eyes focusing on the ground. Memories of nights being alone with only my children to keep me company were once again washing over me. My hearts grew heavy and I found myself laying down.  
  
Alloran carefully laid beside me before he pressed himself against me. I could see him focusing an eyestalk at my lower belly, gently brushing it with his tail. I shivered under the contact but said nothing or asked anything.  
  
<Do you think you could still do it?> I was surprised by Alloran’s question and turned a stalk towards him. I was still going through my heat cycles and probably will for another twenty or so years. But most females stop having children once they reached seventy years. I was a year past that.  
  
<I think it might be too dangerous.> I said, slowly shaking my stalks at him. As much as I wanted to, as much as the thought allured me, it could possibly be deadly. I wasn’t a fit young female anymore. I was getting to be geriatric soon and my body could be strained easily with pregnancy.  
  
But… I wanted to make Alloran happy and I wanted a child again as well. But dying and leaving Alloran to care for an infant on his own was cruel. 

<We already have three children, Alloran. I believe that is enough.> I nervously twist my tail around his. He looked steadily down at me before looking away, ear tips turning a light blue color.  
  
<Yes, yes we do. Perhaps that is enough.> Though he sounded disappointed as he curled his arm around my midsection. I could tell that he was upset that I denied him but he did lean me against himself as he looked outside of the scoop.  
  
I could tell that he was slipping into his memories again. I needed to bring him back.

<Alloran… I’m so glad to be your wife.> I looked at him, smiling a warm, gentle smile. He blinked rapidly a few times looking surprised.  
  
Alloran cocked a stalk at me before his eyes curled into a smile. He carefully brushed his fingers against my cheek. <I am glad to be your husband. You are the best thing to happen to me.>

I brush my own fingers against his cheek, staring into those warm green orbs. We both leaned into each other and brushed noses before I rested my chin on his shoulder. He nuzzles his face into my stalk. We stood there, embracing one another in silence.

Now that he has returned we will be spending the rest of our lives together, never to be parted until death.  
  
<I love you Jahar.>  
  
<I love you as well Alloran. I always had and always will.>

 

**Author's Note:**

> So here's the one-shot. I really wanted to write this for a long time and well... I love how this turned out.
> 
> I liked the idea of Jahar accepting her husband's mental issues and even helping him as well. I love the idea of her still being deeply in love with him despite years of being apart from him.
> 
> Also about the third child, it was a spur of the moment idea. Having Jahar have a child after Alloran left for the last time seemed like it would make for an odd relationship between her and her son.


End file.
